Reality’s Edge, or Why Brain-Washing Works
I’m outside, running through the woods at night. The trees echo with my brother’s laughter, and I know it’s because he can see me fumbling in the dark. I also know him well enough to expect the crack of a rifle shot at any moment. Ahead, through the trees, I can see the fence lining the compound. I sprint the last few yards, closing the gap quickly and leaping onto the chain-link, scaling as quickly as I can.
But not quickly enough. A hand closes on my ankle and yanks me down. I lay on the sidewalk, looking up into the wide, staring eyes of my mother. She opens her mouth to speak, and the shriek of static played too loud fills the air. I understand her meaning and get up, heading into the house to await my punishment.
My father stands at the top of the stairs. The piercing static follows me as I climb, mouth clamped shut so hard my jaw aches. I reach the top and stand toe to toe with Dad. I can’t remember what his voice sounds like, and I’m struck by the weariness in his eyes. The static sounds again, and Dad’s eyes harden as he opens his mouth to pass judgment.
Knives shoot from the dark behind his teeth.
As I fall down the stairs, I wonder how I’m going to tell Caitlin we have to move out. The stairs disappear, and I land on the set of a metal concert during the band’s encore. The set is littered with forest props, and I’m surprised to find myself in a rabbit costume. I slowly make my way to the side exit, and I’ve just opened the door when I hear a cry of surprise from behind me.
“Hey, he’s stealing the rabbit!”
Running again, this time through the halls of my old high school. A hallway I’ve never seen before opens into a glass-walled showcase. Several Ikea vehicles are on display; I see the keys dangling from the ignition of a minivan-sedan, and as I peel out of the school, Todd sits up in the passenger seat.
“Sorry about that–I was supposed to tell you not to take the bunny pants.” He brushes the leaves off his pajama shirt.
“It was just the pants they wanted? They could’ve had those.” My stomach growls audibly, and I realize that a styrofoam container of cheeseburger salad sits open in my lap. “Oh sweet,” Todd says as he grabs a handful, “I love this stuff.”
“That’s my lunch! You shouldn’t eat without asking, dude, especially my lunch. If you don’t ask, it’s your ass.”
“Sorry, won’t happen again.”
I shake my head and smile as I accelerate past 70, 80. “Two apologies in one day? You’re slipping, Todd.”
He turns to me, deadly serious. His clothes have changed–he’s now wearing his party shirt. “Am I slipping, Josh, or are you?”
“What?”
“Look in your rear-view mirror.”
I glance up and see Mark walking behind us, matching our speed without breaking a sweat. “That’s not right,” I mutter. “I must be dreaming.”
Todd strokes his beard. “Think so?”
Mark is looking behind him as if he’s about to change lanes. Just as he steps to the left, Todd grabs the wheel and pushes so that the car cuts Mark off. Mark turns bright red, smoke trailing from his head as he drives his sneakers into the concrete, shattering the road in his path.
“Good luck,” Todd chuckles, and he bails out the passenger side door. Before I can react, Mark slams his fist into the the rear bumper. The car fishtails.
I scream my disbelief into the wind as Mark pounds the car again and again. The windshield shatters; I can feel the world spinning around me as the sedan flips and rolls. On its side, sliding too fast toward a lightpole, the car disregards my last disillusioned remark before everything goes dark.
“I sure hope this is a dream.”
I wake, feeling as if I just bet the house on Russian roulette. The clock reads 4am as I roll over to hug Caitlin. The bed next to me is empty.
I wonder if I’m married. I wonder if I’m awake.
That was last night. Yup, I still have nightmares, and it isn’t difficult to trace their elements back to real-world events. Sometimes, certain details of a dream will make me realize I’m asleep, and before last night, that was enough to wake me up. Waking up like that feels like swimming from the bottom of a very deep well, and I usually have a headache afterward. In other dreams, I’m able to influence events without realizing I’m asleep. Those are the fun ones that usually include flying and arm-mounted cannons.
Two things struck me about this dream.
1) I felt the terror of being hunted, talked to my parents through noise and knives, wore a rabbit suit, drove a make and model of car that will never exist, and invented the least health-friendly salad ever, all without batting an eye, but Mark walking too fast was beyond possibility. Why did my mind accept that Ikea makes cars with no complaint? Why was that fact so easy to believe, and why didn’t I remember the Explorer I love to drive in the real world?
2) What the fuck was Todd doing? “Am I slipping, or are you?” Are you trying to put me in an asylum, Todd? Is this your revenge for getting drilled in the junk on Saturday? I’m trying to envision someone else in my life sitting in that car and punching holes in my carefully crafted sanity, and I just can’t see it. The clothes-changing, the food-snatching, the beard-stroking, seriously make me wonder if I’m going to sleep tonight. I doubt it. P.S. That party shirt is hot.
At the end of the day, dreams are something you have, you think about, and you put behind you. I made a bad decision in high school based on a dream, so I don’t plan to run Mark over the next time I’m picking up a movie.
Still. I should probably call my parents.
Invade the interwebs!
I feel the need to point out that “drilled in the junk” sounds like something different than what it is.
Reply to this comment@Jenny: My dreams are full of meaningful symbolism.
That said, I’m actually curious to hear what mental image that phrase conjures for you.
Reply to this comment@Josh: It’s not appropriate while there are children present. And by children I mean kittens. But it will haunt *my* dreams tonight.
Reply to this commentWhen you came into the living room in the middle of the night n found me wide awake, I already told you a bit of what I thought about the dream, though I enjoyed the details you remembered better later.
So I’ll just leave it at this – you didn’t invent cheeseburger salad – Rachael Ray did. Way to be Rachael Ray: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/rachael-ray/mini-cheeseburger-salad-with-yellow-mustard-vinaigrette-recipe/index.html
Reply to this comment@Caitlin: We are SO making that.
Reply to this commentOkay, well you know I’m pretty big on dreams and figuring out what they mean or writing a huge story on them, which ever floats my boat. But I do have some ideas (being the person who observed you most of her life) and would like to share. Plus you left me for food and West Wing so I have nothing better to do and Starbuck and I don’t see eye to eye on music since she left while I was listening to my music. The running through woods part- I believe this is where your dream started because it was what we left behind in North Carolina, the woods in our backyard. Naturally, you and Nick have always been competitive ever since he was born and I think the banging noise came from video games since you guys play games such as Halo and Worms where you are firing at each other instead of something like an alien. When we moved up here, you “jumped over the fence” into unknown territory and at first didnt like it, but then once we were used to here it became easier to do things without really thinking about the consequences. Such as riding your bike without a helmet. But Mom was there before you could get away too far and get hurt or whatever her reason was for stopping you from doing what you were about to do. Whenever you were in trouble with mom or dad, mom would catch you in the act and yell at you to put your helmet on or whatever you were getting in trouble for and at that moment, you didnt want to hear what she had to say because you thought you knew everything there is to life (what teenager doesnt?). The words she spoke though sometimes got to you like daggers stabbing you in the heart, one after another. Whenever you and our parents got into a fight, it was in their bedroom where the same situation would happen but with dad instead of mom. I remember seeing you when you came out of the bedroom, I listened to the yelling behind the closed door, trying to figure out a way to almost cure you afterwards from the pain. When you came out, your head was down with your long dark hair trying to hide your eyes, but I was short enough I could see into your furious, hurt eyes and your cheeks bright red from anger. Fists clenched tight enough they were white. Jaw clenched so tight I was waiting for your teeth to start cracking. Two feet imprints remain in the attack’s ceiling, even though its plastered now, i still remember when you did it and the fight that followed.
Reply to this commentI believe the concert and the rabbit costume signify that you see the world as a large open place where anything can happen, but while in high school, you felt small compared to it and innocent. Anyone could bite you and you didn’t trust people easily until after you got to know them. You were recently at the high school for my graduation so the memory of it was more alive than it would have been if you didn’t walk through the halls and see your picture hanging from the wall. Todd slipping up with two sorries in one day probably shows that no one is like they were in high school or college anymore, less carefree and easily feel bad about something without much thought to it. But everyone should know not to mess with you and your food (even if you do take hours eating ;]) I have no answer for why they wanted the rabbit pants but I’ll think about it more and get back to you on that one. Todd asking you if you were the one slipping means you are becoming less aware of your surroundings, letting things glide by without even truly noticing them. You look at something, but never actually notice it is there. Maybe this will help explain that a little- When you were watching me when I was little, you could always tell mom and dad exactly where I was or when I was about to “surprise” attack you. If I surprised attacked you know, I would most likely succeed since you wouldnt see it coming because I have developed more without you really noticing. You’re used to the past not what is currently happening. Your brain sees it as all something you have seen before but isnt aware that one little thing different changes the whole situation. The rest of the dream kind of shows that with Mark hitting your car and it rolling. I’m still working on what the rest all means, maybe Mark is a power walker and you dont know it? I dont know. It’s weird though, that I wasn’t in the dream… maybe it’s because when I was little I was like your own personal miniature protector or something, I dont know. mk, lovez u! :) <3z
@Katie-Beth: Wow. I’m completely blown away by your comment, and that illustrates your point–you’ve grown and matured in ways I never expected or, until now, really noticed. It was easy to miss, because I always thought you were the most balanced, savvy, and caring of the latest Hill generation.
How many dream books have you read, exactly? I feel like I should be lying on a couch and paying you $400 an hour. I’m tempted to keep a dream log and send you transcripts so you can tell me why, exactly, I hate the smell of popcorn.
Side note: I’m so proud of you for deciding to leap from the nest and risk life away from home, even if it isn’t the “dorm life” you mentioned. I’m a little weirded out by how insightful your dream explanation is, but I’m impressed by your analytical skills and even more excited to see how good a crime scene technician you’ll become (if you choose that route).
Reply to this comment@Josh: Well you were “yelling” (not really) for me to read this so I did and felt it needed all the thoughts I came up with throughout the reading, if that at all made any sense. And if Im not most balanced, sawy, and caring of the latest Hill genereation, then what am I? (I feel like Sunny off of I, Robot saying that)
I havent read any dream books, I just write what I dream or what I know. Tara tried to get me to read some of the pages from the dream books she had, but I just pretended to read whatever page she was reading from then hand her the book back. lol. I will gladly take the $400 an hour :) JaJa ain’t cheap! Actually his oil needs to be changed tomorrow… uh oh. You should keep a dream log, I love writing what I think people’s dreams are about! That’s why that comment was so long (sorry bout that btw). And the smell of popcorn, I have a few theories behind that. Mom snuck out when she was younger and saw a movie she wasnt supposed to see, now she hates the smell of buttered popcorn because of how scary that film was. It could be either from that. Another theory I have is it’s just one of your body’s reactions to smells. I, for example, hate the smell of peanut butter (and the taste of it for that matter) it was Gracie’s night time snack and after that I couldnt stand the smell because I was exposed to too much of it. When we were little, you and Nick had those tin cans filled with popcorn, you most likely don’t like the smell of popcorn because of how much popcorn we used to eat. Third theory is you’re just weird like that. The good news is, I hate the smell of popcorn too so you’re not alone.
Comment to side note: Yeah, I’ll let you know when I come crawling home with scratches all over my face from falling flat on my face while sobbing “I PROMISE I WONT EVER LEAVE HOME AGAIN!!!” haha, the scratches will hopefully heal though, I already fell flat on my face on a sheet of ice thanks to Nick. ;) Why are you weirded out by how insightful my dream explanation is? Is that a bad thing I dont see the world as others do? I pay attention to detail, that’s all. When I walk into a room I have to look around and know where everything is and who’s there. Next time we go for a walk, if you watch me carefully I will most likely turn to see what’s behind me every so often or do a full circle while walking. You guys always thought I was just dancing around but I was actually figuring out who was behind me and trying to come up with a plan incase they attacked soon. It’s in my nature after growing up with you and Nick lol. I’ll let you know how that Crime Scene Tech thing goes, but trust me, I’m no Bones nor plan to be. Maybe Booth. :) Give mi love to the kitties and Caitlin!!!
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