This was possibly the best debate to come out of the Hans Gruber Memorial Exceptional Minds Foundation. Five years have passed, and I still think we made the right decision.

Your name is Hadley Lurke, and you are a long-time CPA working for an international shipping firm based in New England. You love your job, and you are damned good with numbers and red tape. There is no finer accountant in the world, and that’s why you’ve risen through the ranks to manage the international accounts of your company in record time.

On Monday morning, you receive an email summoning you to the office of the CEO. Minutes later, with a confident smile, you greet his secretary. “Good morning, Bertha!”

Big Bertha, an employee whose waist is as inflated as the company stock, quickly hushes you and glances around to see if anyone heard you. As with most CPAs, no one seems to have registered your presence. Bertha frowns worriedly. “Go on in, quickly. Don’t let anyone see you when you come out.”

Puzzled, you push through the oaken doors into the foyer of Jack Johnson, president and CEO of your company. “Good morning, sir,” you begin.

“Harold! Good to see you. We have important business to discuss.” As he putts his office-golf ball in for a birdie, the CEO begins a speech which you will never forget. “Harold, this company is on the rise, and it’s high time someone took you into the fold. You will be my personal accountant from this day forward.”

Before you can react to this interesting offer (or decision, as the case may be), the CEO continues: “This involves a fair amount of responsibility, as I’m sure you might guess. You’ll be managing my localized assets as well as holdings abroad. A lot of fuzzy math, you understand.”

You don’t, but you keep that to yourself for the time being. “I’m sure that won’t be a problem, sir.”

“Excellent. I’m trusting you, Harold. These are confidential matters. I know you’re a good employee, and your hard work will be rewarded, of course.” He smiles, and somehow his goatee does nothing to lessen his resemblance to a ferret. “You’ll receive the first of the documents later today.”

True to his word, the CEO forwards you a shocking number of binders that afternoon. It takes you all of fifteen minutes to understand what “fuzzy math” meant; in your twenty-some-odd years of accounting, you have never encountered embezzlement on the scale that faces you now. There is plenty of money coming off the top of operations in every country involved, and you know exactly what this means.

Your complete lack of moral fiber serves you well. Within the hour, you’ve set up a paper trail that will lead to a fall man, should anyone later discover how much money is missing from company accounts. Laughing at the beauty of your plan, you have selected a television commercial star to bear the brunt of your employer’s–and now, your own–pocket-lining. You always hated television commercial stars. Annoying, undermotivated idiots. With a grin, you close your folder and begin the transfer of funds to your international accounts.

“The bastards have it coming.”

Who will suffer the wrath of Hadley Lurke?

DECISION REACHED: Your fall man is Billy Mays, best known for his role as the shrieking asshole on the Oxyclean commercials. He’ll need all that Oxyclean to get the blood out of his prison bedsheets while you’re sitting on the beach earning twenty percent.

——————————————————-

Uncle Locke said…
A few ground rules. “TV commercial star” means any star who’s been featured in a memorable TV commercial. This covers everything from exercise equipment commercials to advertisements for the Roy Rogers foundation, so well known stars like Chuck Norris or Anthony Hopkins. This does not include “hey, (insert star here) did this commercial in the 70s when he were eight, and his movies suck!”

And the flag drops. Commence fraud.

3/03/2006 09:58:00 PM

Carson said…
I’ll kick it off by by nominating Subway’s Jared. I think that guy pisses Everyone off, and subs with 6 grams of fat will never get him thin enough to slip through prison bars.

3/03/2006 10:07:00 PM

Nick said…
Right up there with Jared is his short-lived counterpart in the Subway stable:

Henry. Clay Henry.

Like all people, I am tired of firemen riding their high horses, so that’s one strike against him. Also he was a real fuck face.

3/03/2006 10:14:00 PM

Uncle Locke said…
For those not following…

http://www.firehouse.com/news/2002/1/10_FHsubway.html

And Nick, to make a hyperlink:

(left carot)a href=”http://www.yourlinkhere.com/somepage.html”(right carot)YOUR LINK TEXT(left carot)/a(right carot)

(left carot) = <
(right carot)= >

3/03/2006 10:21:00 PM

Nick said…
Thanks. I actually knew the hyperlink command but I had had trouble with the carats working right. It seems like it was a browser issue that was corrected.

3/03/2006 10:23:00 PM

Nick said…
Hadley Lurke… haha I only just got that now.

3/03/2006 11:24:00 PM

JohnnyUtah said…
I nominate Clara Peller. For those of you who do not know Ms. Peller she’s the old broad in the classic wendy’s commercial, “Wheres the Beef?”. That’s if shes not dead already.

3/03/2006 11:58:00 PM

Carson said…
I actually like Clay Henry. That song is groovy. Plus he’s only done 1 commercial, and Jared pisses me off much much more. Where’s the beef lady was also way too awesome to fraud. I would think the purpose of this is to totally fuck someone over who actually deserves to die, but imprison them instead because it ties up our own loose ends. Jared should die.

3/04/2006 04:33:00 AM

heartthrob said…
I hate that baby that does the Quizno’s commercials. I think this would be doubly good if we pin the crime on an infant.

3/04/2006 09:38:00 AM

Nick said…
That baby fucking sucks. In fact, all babies with animated talking mouths and all dogs with animated anthropomorphic smiles need to be cast into a pit and covered over with wet concrete.

Another character who gets my blood boiling is that asshole who gets pulled over and doesn’t have an AARP card, leading to a chiding by the policewoman. Every time that commercial comes on I come close to harpooning the television. I can guarantee that it would have happened by now if I had a harpoon.

3/04/2006 10:54:00 AM

JohnnyUtah said…
How about Wilford Brimley? Those diabetes commercials really piss me off during the price is right.

3/04/2006 01:11:00 PM

Nick said…
Dieabeatus

3/04/2006 01:27:00 PM

Carson said…
I know we’re talking about commercial entities that suck, but I wanted to mention one that is awesome. The new VW commercials. Vee-Duuhb! Time to unpimp your auto, representing Deutchland, ja! That guy is in Prison Break so he rocks.

3/04/2006 09:13:00 PM

JohnnyUtah said…
Another recommendation I have is the Welch’s Grape Juice girl. She’s so annoying and she probably doesn’t even drink the damn stuff.

3/05/2006 12:59:00 AM

Nick said…
I could roll with the Welch’s girl. When she smacks her lips I want to reach through the television and strangle the bitch.

3/05/2006 01:08:00 AM

Uncle Locke said…
That girl may be as possessed at the DemonChild of Sones Pond. Those eyes are just waiting to swallow your soul.

And by the way, I’d like to extend a greeting to an apparently regular contributor, Mr. Johnny Utah. Welcome to the fold.

3/05/2006 01:31:00 AM

JohnnyUtah said…
Well thank you Mr. Locke. I am happy to contribute to such an elite society. To throw another name out there, how about Edgar Snyder and his slogan “we get money for you”. I don’t know if he is a local guy or not but every time I see his commercial I want to beat him with a kendo stick.

3/05/2006 03:22:00 PM

Bill Myers said…
Ambulance Chasing Lawyers are ALL bad, its not just Edgar Allen Snyder.

I like Wilford Brimley. You know what else is good for your diabetus? Not being so goddamn fat!

3/05/2006 11:40:00 PM

Nick said…
Hey, even if you grow a conscience after pulling this off, Liberty Medical will still work with Wilford Brimley’s Medicare to help pay for his dieabeatus testing supplies, so it’s not like he’s going to die.

3/06/2006 12:18:00 AM

Carson said…
The Welch’s girl is so cute! She is, in fact, too cute. A girl that cute almost has the opposite effect. It makes me want to destroy something beautiful, like stomping on a flower.

3/06/2006 05:53:00 AM

justin said…
Edgar is annoying, I could back this, but the welch’s girl is just too damn annoying. I’m never sure whether I want to kill her, or myself. I’d also like to nominate whoever sings the theme song for the Marineland commericals. I haven’t even seen American television in 2 years and that damn song is still caught in my head. (Übrigens, es würde Deutschland buchstabiert). I bring this up only in memory of Hans Gruber.

3/06/2006 10:19:00 AM

JohnnyUtah said…
The Welch’s girl is my pick as of right now. I’ve decided to retract my suggestion of edgar snyder due to the fact that I have recently learned he is local to northwestern pennsylvania. Albeit I do not know the exact specifications of this topic I am assuming that the commercial star has to be on a national level.

3/06/2006 11:10:00 PM

Carson said…
Alright, so none of us like the Welch’s girl, but think about what we’re doing here for a second. We’re looking for a fall guy for years of embezzlement on a scale you’ve never seen, and the Welch’s girl hasn’t been alive for that long, nor does she even have her own bank account. Due to the nature of the original post, I don’t think we could pin this on her if we wanted to. We need to agree on someone else who is eligible. I offered Jared from Subway, but I have no real loyalties to him.

3/07/2006 05:15:00 AM

JohnnyUtah said…
I could go with Jared. I’ve hated him for years and I wouldn’t mind bringing him down.

3/07/2006 12:22:00 PM

Uncle Locke said…
It is true, Jared is not only a hated icon in and of himself, but he has spawned dozens of Jaredite followers who go off to make their own shitty commercials. Plus we all know he’s still a fat fuck, for we are not fooled by the wonders of video technology and CGI. (Look at the eyes, closely. It’s freaking Jar-Jar.)

3/07/2006 08:02:00 PM

jdub said…
Jared ate at the subway on the campus of Bowling Green University. This school is among the highest in STD to student ration. In fact, Jared has a 33% chance of having lumps growing on his genitals. I think subway forgot to mention that. I’ve heard that rumors that Jared got herpes from non other than The Late Show’s Paul Shaffer.

3/07/2006 09:11:00 PM

Nick said…
You know who else I hate? That nasty horrible ugly as hell bitch from the Nexium commercials. I can’t even look at her. She makes me physically sick. I may not be a real prize, but I have the good taste not to make commercials.

3/07/2006 11:11:00 PM

heartthrob said…
Jared is far too powerful to take down. The man LOST WEIGHT. That just isn’t done in America; obviously he has some sort of powers that I wouldn’t want to fuck with.

3/09/2006 11:44:00 AM

smilelikeadonut said…
What about the giggling guy from the VW, Enterprise, and Capital One commercials?: Nate Torrence

The one who laughs like a maniac every time he takes a turn, prepares for his reunion by renting a car, and gets beat on by David Spade (also annoying) while dressed like an elf.
See Picture Here

I confess, the first time I saw the VW commercial, I was vaguely amused, but, by now, I’m just tired of his ginormous face and dumbass giggle. He makes the Welch’s children and Jared feel like breaths of fresh air.

3/09/2006 12:20:00 PM

heartthrob said…
Mention of giggling made me slap my head with someone we will all agree with: Jimmy Fallon.

This no talent ass clown has been reduced to doing commercials for Diet Pepsi (or is it Diet Coke? who cares!). We all hated him and his constant laughing on SNL and now is our chance to get back at him.

3/09/2006 04:11:00 PM

Nicholas Vel Johnson III said…
I know it’s impossible, but what if we ended this discussion like this: Jimmy Fallon and Jared the Subway Guy fight to the death; the winner gets to be the fall guy and goes to jail for the rest of his life (or, in a world more perfect than this, gets crucified. Like at the end of Spartacus.)

3/09/2006 10:29:00 PM

Bill Myers said…
I am strongly supporting that kid from the citi bank commercials. I mean, what does it say about a person when you apply for a part described as “David Spade’s Bitch”. There is no way this kid is acting, he MUST be a douche in real life.

Also, about that enterprise rent a car commercial. He wants to impress all the girls at his 10 year reunion by pulling up in a nice car, which is a weanie idea to begin with. He decides to rent a car (imagine how embarrassing it would be to get called out on that one). Worse yet, is the choice of vehicle, a Cadillac Deville. In the commercial, two young women are supposedly impressed.

In real life they would say “what are… 70? What person under 50 drives a fucking Cadillac? You’re still the same fat pathetic fuck you were in high school. I bet you rented that car!”.

3/10/2006 06:12:00 PM

JohnnyUtah said…
Now that we’re on the subject of the Enterprise Rent-A-Car commercials, does anyone else wonder how they drive the car in the commercial when its entirely wrapped up in the “Enterprise” paper? Anyway, I think I am going with Wilford Brimley until someone better comes along. That old bastard has it coming. We’ll see if he still gets his Liberty Medical Supplies in the slammer.

3/11/2006 12:05:00 AM

heartthrob said…
I can support that fat guy from the enterprise and capital one commercials. He has been in tons of commercials over the years and is ALWAYS a douche. I remember in a corn pops commercial he was coming home from college and his dad, realizing what a bastard he was, kicked him out of the car in the middle of nowhere.

3/11/2006 04:36:00 PM

Steve Perry said…
“Do you want to make more money? Of course – we all do. Hi. I’m Sally Struthers.”

Sally Struthers is the perfect target. Let me outline my reasoning:

She’s of the perfect age for legal sniping – and she’s had access to financial classes for years during those commercials. She’d have the know-how AND the free time to set this all up, presumably.

She knows full well she can’t keep her career alive without some sort of ethical shadiness.

Everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) would watch the trial where Sally Struthers got convicted of mass embezzlement. It’d be our national opportunity to make up for lost sentencing with OJ.

Though I fully agree – Jared is a grade-A douche, and as eligible a fall guy as any. Is it reasonable to hope for a Sally/Jared double-cross scenario?

3/12/2006 10:08:00 AM

Uncle Locke said…
In the words of Yoda, “No, there is another.”

So I’m eating my breakfast of lasagna and Dasani this morning, when I am suddenly buffeted by enthusiastic shouts of “Gets your whites whiter, with no harsh chemicals or additives!”

Yes, the man we all forgot until he busted out his latest product, Kaboom–Mr. Oxyclean himself. This man gets way, way, WAY too excited about all-natural cleaning supplies. And I’m sorry, but there’s no way you’re getting rid of that soap scum without bleach. The man is a liar as well as a buffoon, and he deserves a jailhouse reach-around as soon as possible.

3/12/2006 01:43:00 PM

Steve Perry said…
I humbly make one further proposal, trusting that the following five words will inspire the same sense of nausea and cultural shame in others as they do in me:

“Snap into a Slim Jim!”

3/12/2006 03:24:00 PM

JohnnyUtah said…
I don’t know if I agree with the slim-jim proposal. Yes, it has grown annoying, but there is no one actor in that commercial. You can’t possibly go against the Macho Man Randy Savage and his catch-phrase. After him, annoying. But you can’t single out one person.

3/12/2006 06:19:00 PM

Carson said…
By George, Locke, you’ve done it! The Oxyclean guy! We used to make fun of his voice all the time, and now tons of other products hire him to do the same exact ad but for different crap, like C.L.R.. This guy needs to take a fall, and out of all these candidates, I’ll cast my vote for Oxyclean man. “Just 1 scoop of Oxyclean is 10 times as strooooong!”

3/13/2006 04:28:00 AM

JohnnyUtah said…
I’ll second that vote. Oxyclean it is.

3/14/2006 03:43:00 PM

Nick said…
I could go with Billy Mays (Oxyclean guy). I could go a lot of ways on this, but as long as we are sticking it to a real asshole like Mays, I can sleep easy.

3/14/2006 11:34:00 PM

smilelikeadonut said…
Billy Mays going down? Right on.

Nate Torrence will have to wait til next time. His life is his own prison sentence.

3/15/2006 08:37:00 PM